So I got on the T-train.
Here we go…
That’s how I’m trying to think of it – a long, slow, but continuous journey. Even when I’m asleep, the train’s still moving. I’m getting there.
It’s hard to be patient. I keep comparing pictures of my face, trying to spot the difference.
After needing to talk to friends about my experiences in other parts of my transition, I’ve found it surprisingly hard to talk about testosterone. Maybe it’s because lots of other things – names, pronouns, titles, identities – are social concepts that need to be spoken in order to work. In a way, it’s a relief not to feel pressure to somehow ‘make’ this work. The T’s going to do its thing whether I talk about it or not.
On the other hand, starting T meant giving up on the fantasy that I’d wake up one day and everything would just be right. That I could do this on my own. That if only I tried hard enough, I’d be a cis guy. The bad news is, that isn’t going to happen. The good news is, there are other ways to go about things, which do work. Not perfectly, but they do work.
I’ve heard people describe trans people as unicorns, but I think I’d rather be a pegasus. Biology was not on my side, but I’m a pegasus boy – here I go, growing my wings.
Queer library, testosterone and pegasus.
I remember being ill when I was a kid, maybe five or six years old. I had a fever, and to see if I was delirious my mum asked me, “What’s your name?”
I thought about it. I started to panic. “What is my name?” I cried. She told me all three of my names, my first name, my middle name, and my surname. I still remember the relief as I heard them, as I recognised them, and realised that I had known them all along. “Oh,” I said. “I knew that.”
Tonight my phone rang, and someone I didn’t know called me by those same three names, but this time it was the opposite of a relief. I froze. I was aware of myself sitting there doing nothing, my mouth open, not responding. I didn’t know what to say.
I’ve read that some trans people have always dreamt about themselves in their identified gender. Normally the question of gender identity doesn’t arise in my dreams – I’m just me – but last night, somewhere in the trajectory of a narrative about an entanglement with a morally dubious lounge singer, I looked in a mirror, and saw my dream-brain’s construction of me, post-transition. What I saw was, more or less, this:
David Mitchell as snooker commentator
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of David Mitchell, but I don’t think I could honestly say that this is his strongest look. So here are a couple of suggestions, brain: if you’re going to imagine me in five or ten years’ time, couldn’t we go for something a bit more like this:
David Hockney, by Cecil Beaton, March 1965 – NPG x14108 – © Cecil Beaton Studio Archive, Sotheby’s London
Joaquin Phoenix in Inherent Vice
Or, you know, maybe even this:
Robert Downey Jr vs lederhosen
Meanwhile, when I’m awake, I’m seeing myself in the mirror as a guy much more often, which feels great. Once again, the dream-brain just needs to catch up.
Since transitioning socially, I’ve had fairly regular anxiety dreams in which my hair has grown back to shoulder length and “turned me back into a woman”.
Again? Damn it! Where are my clippers?
Last night, however, I had a new kind of anxiety dream:
I’d used the wrong public bathroom. Unfortunately, there was no show-down as pictured above, just a sense of guilt and embarrassment. But at least my dream-brain seems to be working out where I’m supposed to be.
In other news, thank you to the pharmacist who “ma’am”ed me repeatedly this evening; the dysphoric feelings helped me switch off the self-doubt for a while.
Transguy + shark week = NOPE.
Transguy + shark week + public toilets = NOPE.
Transguy + shark week + “feminine hygiene products” = NOPE NOPE NOPE.
Redesigning shark week = making things a little bit better.